New Missile Technology

Ryan in the back seat, whispering: Benny, my lasers would shoot you all day.
Ben: Nope. I have a super spy weapon.
Ryan: what is it?
Benny: Not telling. Better than stupid lasers.
Ryan Come on tell me.
Benny: it is a special missile.
Ryan: Why is it special?
Benny: It comes out of my butt and you eat it.
Ryan: Nevermind Benny. You're disgusting.
Benny: It is a SHIIIITROCKET! IT HAS LITTLE SHIT BOMBS THAT DROP AS IT FLIES! From my ass to your mouth haha!

Said that juuuuuust before Barbara got in the car. I was rolling.

"Underground Earthquake" by Benny when he was 5.

Sometimes there's an underground earthquake.
Everywhere. Everywhere.
Sometimes there's an underground earthquake.
Everywhere. Everywhere everywhere.

The boy ran to the house... he did a dance
And the earthquake came.. and blew up his house
AND HIS FOOD! ALL OF IT!
Then you have to run real far... away from the earthquake because it is undergrooooooound...
Then the sky starts shooting down aliens
Everywhere. Everywhere everywhere.
And the aliens kill the spider queen
She came up from the cracks in the earthquake with food.
She comes to kill everyone. ALL OF THEM! They're all going to die in the underground earthquake.
YOU ATE HER FOOOOOOOOD!

Sometimes there's an underground earthquake.
Everywhere. Everywhere.
Sometimes there's an underground earthquake.
Everywhere. Everywhere everywhere.

The only way to live in the underground earthquake
Is to run to a castle made with rocks
But the queen is gonna come and eat all the rocks away
Then you will be trapped and she will EAT YOOOOU!
Then the underground earthquake.

Ryan Tells Benny he is European.

R: Ben you're European.
B: (mad) NO I AM NOT.
R: Oh yes you are.
B: No YOU'RE PEEING!
R: Um nononono I mean like the people.
B: I did NOT PEE ON ANYONE
R: (Trying hard to impress me with his patience for benny) Benjamin. Look. There is a country called European. Everyone there is European.
B: Ryan stop it. Don't make me get inappropriate on you.
R: Oh yeah? And how do you think you'll do that?

~~I'm a little concerned myself actually~~

B: Like this!

~~nothing happens~~

R: So, like, is something supposed to happen?
B: Yes.
R: What?
B: Shut up penis.
R: Penises don't talk.
B: My penis talks (starts giggling)
R: Oh yeah? What does it say?
B: It says it didn't pee on anyone.

My Wife's Bedtime Story to Ben

Once upon a time there was a little boy who stole.
He died and went to hell.

The end now get your ass in bed.

It is real hard not to love her sometimes.

Ryan

Benny

The Car Game

We played the stupid story game in my car, where I start, then Ryan takes over, then Benny takes over. It didn't end well.

~~"Once upon a time there was an evil foot that smelled like a butt. And it would go around and wipe it's toe funk on people when they weren't looking to make everyone around them think they smelled like footbutt. But one day..."~~

Ryan "But one day the foot was lonely because there was only one foot and feet are supposed to come in pairs. So he went to his house and took a bath and smelled great. Then he went to Olive Garden to get food because he was hungry and to meet a friend. When he got there..."

Benny "This story is stupid."
Ryan "Don't blow it Benny just finish the story"
Benny (irritated) "No this is a retarded story. Let's blow up school buses" (another game we play sometimes, that is a different story).
Ryan "OK but first let's finish the story"
Benny "Fine. Then the foot exploded and this dumb game is over"
Ryan "Fine Benny then I am not playing the school bus game"
Benny "I don't care you never win anyway. And today you can win a diamond sword with acid in it"
Ryan "Oh yeah? I already have the Diamond sword with acid in it"
Benny (Laughs like crazy)

~~"Whats so funny Ben?"~~

Benny "Ryan said his sword had an ass on it"
Ryan (screaming) "I SAID ACID NOT ASS"
Benny is in tears laughing "You said ass again"

~~"Both of you stop saying Ass"~~

Benny "I won't say Ass."

~~"Don't push it Benny"~~

Benny "Can I say butt?"

~~"Nothing that has to do with Butts."~~

Ryan "I can't believe you say bad words Benny"
Benny (mocking Ryan) "I can't believe you say bad words Benny"
Ryan "Stop copying me"
Benny "Stop copying me"
Ryan "My name is Benny and I am sooo retarded and stupid and ugly and stupid"
Benny "I am not saying that"
Ryan "Aaahaaa I got you to stop"
Benny (whispers real low) "When you take a bath, I am going to sneak in and pee in the water behind you so you have pee bath and pee on the soap too"

Ryan "DAD DID YOU HEAR THAT???"

~~"I pee in your bathwater all the time Ryan"~~

Ryan "fine then, Benny, when you sleep I am just going to pee on you."
Benny "Good because I love pee"

~~"Me too"~~

Benny "footbutt"

~~"I said don't say butt Benny"~~

Benny "No, you said don't say ass".
Ryan "BENNY SAID ASS!"

I made them be quiet the rest of the way home.

Benny's Original Sheep Story

Once upon a time there were three sheep.
They loved to go to 7-11.
And, ass.

The end.

Benny's Retarded Sheep Story (updated version)

Once upon a time there was a sheep who loved to go to 7-11.
He wanted a slurpee but he had no money so he stole a boat and invited his sheep friends to play on it.
The boat was retarded and floated like a retard.
The sheep ate the boat wood and they were all retarded from eating retard wood and they all drowned because the were stupid sheep.

No Running in the Hallway

I went to some kid fair at my kid's school and started walking around with my 6 year old. Some kid comes sprinting at us full speed.
Benny trips him. Little sprinty fucker goes flying halfway down the hall.
Benny stamps, points and screams "no running in the hallway, stupid! You're breaking the Damn law"
I shit myself.

Benny is Going to Punch Ryan in his Damn Nuts

Benny lost his mind. Kicking, screaming, punching, etc. Was really funny.

I tried to be Dad and stop the cursing but honestly I was more concerned with him not kicking holes in my walls.

Turns out this was over Skylander action figures.

Benny: RYAN YOU ASS I HATE YOU I AM GOING TO KICK YOU IN THE NUTS I HATE YOU YOU SUCK I HAAAATE YOU
Ryan: Dad, Benny hates me.
~~No he doesn't he is just having a tantrum.~~
Benny: NO I REALLY DO HATE YOU AND I AM GOING TO KICK YOUR NUTS!

~~Ben, WATCH YOUR MOUTH THAT IS ENOUGH! (Dad voice)~~

Benny: ...
Ryan: ...
Monte (The dog): ...
Benny: Ryan...
Ryan: yes Benny?
Benny: I HATE YOU SO DAMN MUCH YOU ASS....

~~Benny, WATCH YOUR MOUTH! (Dad voice)~~

This repeated like 3 times.

Breakfast Shits and Ghosts

Breakfast time.
Typing what I hear behind me, my kids are unaware.
Note that this is all whispered:

B= Benny, 6.
R= Ryan, 9.

B: I'm a dum dum.
R: Yes, but say shit!
B: shhhhhh.
R: Say IT.
B: Shhhh.
R: Come on say shit.
B: No because I am a dum dum (giggles).
R: Look I will say "I am the..." and you will say shit real fast when I am done ok? Have to say it as fast as you can say it though. You ready?
B: (quiet, then says yes he will do it while giggling.)
R: Ok, ready? Here we go:
B: Ok I am ready.
R: Now I am going to say this fast and you have to say shit ok?
B: I want you to say shit.
R: Ok, then you have to say real fast "Ryan is the" ok?
B: Ok.
R: Ok Go.
B: RYAN IS A
R: SHIT!
R: ... NO I am not you did it wrong. You said I am shit.
B: You said it.
R: (really, really pissed off) Look at me.
~~Don't say shit guys you two are cursing too much.~~
R: (looking at Benny).
B: Really Ryan don't look at me.
R: I am looking at you.
B: Stop.
R: Looooooking...
B: STOP
R: I SEE YOU!
B: NO YOU DON'T SEE ME RYAN STOP!
R: You are right there and I am looooking at you.
B: (About to cry)
~~Ryan stop looking at him and eat your french toast.~~
B: Dad said not to look at me.
R: (Ignores).
B: Ryan.
R: (Ignores).
B: RYAAAAN.
R: (Ignores).
B: RYAN DAD SAID YOU CAN'T SEE ME BUT YOU CAN HEAR ME! I KNOW YOU CAN HEAR ME!
R: What are you a ghost?
B: No I am not a ghost.
R: Say shit (whispered).

~Dad moment with meanface. They got the point and shut the hell up for a few seconds, then...~

R: Look, I am Benny WWOOOOOoooooOOOOOooo...ooooOOO
B: I AM NOT A GHOST!
R: That means you died.
B: I didn't die Ryan STOP IT CAN'T YOU SEE YOU'RE MAKING ME MAD?
R: No, because I cannot see you.