Benny and the Mushroom cow

This just happened:

Me: What do you want Benny? I am working.
Benny: I made a cow that is red with mushrooms all over his back.
Me: No you didn't.
Benny: Oh yes I did and I do kind of smell like poop right?
Me: Um, I do smell poop what the hell?
Benny: Anyway that is not important. I just wish I was upside down.
Me: Ok

Me, thinking I am a fun dad, oblige.

Benny: Not bad. The cow does it better. You kind of suck at everything you know?
Me: You smell like shit.
Benny: That is because I farted, and I tricked you into holding me upside down so my butthole could be closer to your face.

That little bitch.

Knock knock jokes

Lol, difference between my kids:

Ryan: knock knock!
Mom: who's there?
Ryan: yodelady
Mom: yodelady..who?
(say it out loud to get it)

Ben: knock knock!
Mom: who's there?
Ben: my balls LOL

..LOL

New Missile Technology

Ryan in the back seat, whispering: Benny, my lasers would shoot you all day.
Ben: Nope. I have a super spy weapon.
Ryan: what is it?
Benny: Not telling. Better than stupid lasers.
Ryan Come on tell me.
Benny: it is a special missile.
Ryan: Why is it special?
Benny: It comes out of my butt and you eat it.
Ryan: Nevermind Benny. You're disgusting.
Benny: It is a SHIIIITROCKET! IT HAS LITTLE SHIT BOMBS THAT DROP AS IT FLIES! From my ass to your mouth haha!

Said that juuuuuust before Barbara got in the car. I was rolling.

"Underground Earthquake" by Benny when he was 5.

Sometimes there's an underground earthquake.
Everywhere. Everywhere.
Sometimes there's an underground earthquake.
Everywhere. Everywhere everywhere.

The boy ran to the house... he did a dance
And the earthquake came.. and blew up his house
AND HIS FOOD! ALL OF IT!
Then you have to run real far... away from the earthquake because it is undergrooooooound...
Then the sky starts shooting down aliens
Everywhere. Everywhere everywhere.
And the aliens kill the spider queen
She came up from the cracks in the earthquake with food.
She comes to kill everyone. ALL OF THEM! They're all going to die in the underground earthquake.
YOU ATE HER FOOOOOOOOD!

Sometimes there's an underground earthquake.
Everywhere. Everywhere.
Sometimes there's an underground earthquake.
Everywhere. Everywhere everywhere.

The only way to live in the underground earthquake
Is to run to a castle made with rocks
But the queen is gonna come and eat all the rocks away
Then you will be trapped and she will EAT YOOOOU!
Then the underground earthquake.

Ryan Tells Benny he is European.

R: Ben you're European.
B: (mad) NO I AM NOT.
R: Oh yes you are.
B: No YOU'RE PEEING!
R: Um nononono I mean like the people.
B: I did NOT PEE ON ANYONE
R: (Trying hard to impress me with his patience for benny) Benjamin. Look. There is a country called European. Everyone there is European.
B: Ryan stop it. Don't make me get inappropriate on you.
R: Oh yeah? And how do you think you'll do that?

~~I'm a little concerned myself actually~~

B: Like this!

~~nothing happens~~

R: So, like, is something supposed to happen?
B: Yes.
R: What?
B: Shut up penis.
R: Penises don't talk.
B: My penis talks (starts giggling)
R: Oh yeah? What does it say?
B: It says it didn't pee on anyone.

My Wife's Bedtime Story to Ben

Once upon a time there was a little boy who stole.
He died and went to hell.

The end now get your ass in bed.

It is real hard not to love her sometimes.

Ryan